Apologize, Forgive, Reconcile
Addendum: Since I posted this, I've gotten even more comments. I'm going to address two of them, up here at the top, as they sort of frame the whole thing, and in case you've already read this, you don't have to go back through everything.
First, only you can control you. You can't make someone apologize, or forgive, or reconcile. That's probably the hardest part, because we (and that's not the royal we, I'm exactly the same way) want to focus how THEY have wronged you and how you wouldn't have done that horrible offensive thing but for THEIR actions. When we use the third person, though, we aren't taking our own responsibility for our actions, or really even our own emotional state. "THEY offended me" means 'they' have the ability to do something to you.
You however CAN apologize, CAN forgive, or CAN reconcile, or at least do your part on that. Note how that removes THEY entirely. Thus, the points below are all about actions that WE take, not about what THEY do. If you're still focused on THEY, in my opinion, you haven't really forgiven or apologized. This is one time when yes, Virginia, it IS all about you.
Second, someone brought up that I left out 'restitution.' That's sort of the one exception to the 'it's all about you' caveat above, as it falls under 'reconciliation.' And that does take two. But I firmly believe that it's not possible until apologies and forgiveness have occurred. And you need to full non-THEY-centered participation of both parties. If one side doesn't want to, or is still THEY-focused, then the relationship may not survive. Even if everyone has accepted everything, it may not. Sometimes the reconciliation is also the end. --added 5/19/2014
A few days ago, I posted my reading for Beltainne. It suggested that now was a good time for new beginnings, or new stages in relationships, clearing the air, and the like. A friend commented that it was a 'very positive reading.' This led to a discussion between us (like many we've had) that this may not actually be the case. While it may be a good time for these sorts of things, that doesn't necessarily make them easy. And it doesn't automatically mean good things, at least initially. Because a new stage may be a final stage and new beginnings are often what follows an ending, and those can be hard.
Soon thereafter, a link was making the rounds on Facebook, about apologies. I thought the timing was more than coincidental, so I am sharing it again here, with a few others. It is about how to give a real apology, one that actually indicates to the hearer that the giver understands what they did, why it had the effect it did, and how the giver plans to change as a result. It especially addresses my pet peeve (although not directly) the passive-aggressive nonapology. "I'm sorry you were offended." (Or insert passive tense verb for 'offended' as applicable.)
We could say spirit has moved me to share not just the omen for Beltainne, but tools for how to go about that? Or would that be too New Age-y? :)
Apologies: http://www.cuppacocoa.com/a-better-way-to-say-sorry/
It is about how to give a real apology, one that actually indicates to the hearer that the giver understands what they did, why it had the effect it did, and how the giver plans to change as a result. It especially addresses my pet peeve (although not directly) the passive-aggressive nonapology. "I'm sorry you were offended." (Or insert passive tense verb for 'offended' as applicable.)
Of course, one can only apologize if one knows they have done something wrong. Sometimes we are blissfully (for us) unaware of any such thing. I was, in fact, once told by someone that I had really hurt them, but they were over it now. I asked them what it was that I had done (being blissfully unaware), and they said "Never mind, it's over and done with." Yeah, maybe for THEM...to this day I have no idea what I said or did, and wonder if I've done it again, without knowing it was hurtful. That's not fair to the offender. They can't be held to an expectation of an apology if they don't know they need to give one.
Accepting apologies: Turns out, a simple "Yeah, we're good," doesn't do it. It can be as dismissive and unsatisfying as the flippant "I'm sorry you were offended" I mentioned above. Here are a few good articles about how to accept one.
http://blogs.howstuffworks.com/how-to-stuff/how-to-accept-an-apology/
http://davidisms.wordpress.com/2010/04/01/how-to-accept-an-apology/
This last article makes an interesting point. Accepting an apology and forgiving and reconciliation are three different things, although the relevant structures of accepting and apology and forgiving are similar.
Forgiveness: This seems like the big one. Lots has been said and written on how forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, and not the offender. (It's also very hard to find non-Christian links on the subject.) Yet, it is important. Forgiveness puts the matter to rest and allows the hurt party to move on. The first link is similar to accepting apologies, but has a few differences. The second gives some ideas for how to get to that stage that might be useful in a Neo-Pagan context. The third talks about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-therapy/200909/four-elements-forgiveness
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-forgive-someone-when-its-hard-30-tips-to-let-go-of-anger/
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/forgiveness/understanding-forgiveness
Reconciliation: In reality, I think this one is the big one. IF the relationship is important, both parties have to work toward the reconciliation. We also may have to accept that the only reconciliation is one that ends the relationship, or changes it significantly in some way. I found this very, VERY, good article. Even though it is from a Christian perspective, and quotes scripture, I found it to be more generally applicable. Merely substitute your own spiritually appropriate buzzwords for the Christian stuff.
http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2012/03/29/how-to-move-from-forgiveness-to-reconciliation/
Read, think, do as the spirit moves you.
First, only you can control you. You can't make someone apologize, or forgive, or reconcile. That's probably the hardest part, because we (and that's not the royal we, I'm exactly the same way) want to focus how THEY have wronged you and how you wouldn't have done that horrible offensive thing but for THEIR actions. When we use the third person, though, we aren't taking our own responsibility for our actions, or really even our own emotional state. "THEY offended me" means 'they' have the ability to do something to you.
You however CAN apologize, CAN forgive, or CAN reconcile, or at least do your part on that. Note how that removes THEY entirely. Thus, the points below are all about actions that WE take, not about what THEY do. If you're still focused on THEY, in my opinion, you haven't really forgiven or apologized. This is one time when yes, Virginia, it IS all about you.
Second, someone brought up that I left out 'restitution.' That's sort of the one exception to the 'it's all about you' caveat above, as it falls under 'reconciliation.' And that does take two. But I firmly believe that it's not possible until apologies and forgiveness have occurred. And you need to full non-THEY-centered participation of both parties. If one side doesn't want to, or is still THEY-focused, then the relationship may not survive. Even if everyone has accepted everything, it may not. Sometimes the reconciliation is also the end. --added 5/19/2014
A few days ago, I posted my reading for Beltainne. It suggested that now was a good time for new beginnings, or new stages in relationships, clearing the air, and the like. A friend commented that it was a 'very positive reading.' This led to a discussion between us (like many we've had) that this may not actually be the case. While it may be a good time for these sorts of things, that doesn't necessarily make them easy. And it doesn't automatically mean good things, at least initially. Because a new stage may be a final stage and new beginnings are often what follows an ending, and those can be hard.
Soon thereafter, a link was making the rounds on Facebook, about apologies. I thought the timing was more than coincidental, so I am sharing it again here, with a few others. It is about how to give a real apology, one that actually indicates to the hearer that the giver understands what they did, why it had the effect it did, and how the giver plans to change as a result. It especially addresses my pet peeve (although not directly) the passive-aggressive nonapology. "I'm sorry you were offended." (Or insert passive tense verb for 'offended' as applicable.)
We could say spirit has moved me to share not just the omen for Beltainne, but tools for how to go about that? Or would that be too New Age-y? :)
Apologies: http://www.cuppacocoa.com/a-better-way-to-say-sorry/
It is about how to give a real apology, one that actually indicates to the hearer that the giver understands what they did, why it had the effect it did, and how the giver plans to change as a result. It especially addresses my pet peeve (although not directly) the passive-aggressive nonapology. "I'm sorry you were offended." (Or insert passive tense verb for 'offended' as applicable.)
Of course, one can only apologize if one knows they have done something wrong. Sometimes we are blissfully (for us) unaware of any such thing. I was, in fact, once told by someone that I had really hurt them, but they were over it now. I asked them what it was that I had done (being blissfully unaware), and they said "Never mind, it's over and done with." Yeah, maybe for THEM...to this day I have no idea what I said or did, and wonder if I've done it again, without knowing it was hurtful. That's not fair to the offender. They can't be held to an expectation of an apology if they don't know they need to give one.
Accepting apologies: Turns out, a simple "Yeah, we're good," doesn't do it. It can be as dismissive and unsatisfying as the flippant "I'm sorry you were offended" I mentioned above. Here are a few good articles about how to accept one.
http://blogs.howstuffworks.com/how-to-stuff/how-to-accept-an-apology/
http://davidisms.wordpress.com/2010/04/01/how-to-accept-an-apology/
This last article makes an interesting point. Accepting an apology and forgiving and reconciliation are three different things, although the relevant structures of accepting and apology and forgiving are similar.
Forgiveness: This seems like the big one. Lots has been said and written on how forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, and not the offender. (It's also very hard to find non-Christian links on the subject.) Yet, it is important. Forgiveness puts the matter to rest and allows the hurt party to move on. The first link is similar to accepting apologies, but has a few differences. The second gives some ideas for how to get to that stage that might be useful in a Neo-Pagan context. The third talks about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-therapy/200909/four-elements-forgiveness
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-forgive-someone-when-its-hard-30-tips-to-let-go-of-anger/
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/forgiveness/understanding-forgiveness
Reconciliation: In reality, I think this one is the big one. IF the relationship is important, both parties have to work toward the reconciliation. We also may have to accept that the only reconciliation is one that ends the relationship, or changes it significantly in some way. I found this very, VERY, good article. Even though it is from a Christian perspective, and quotes scripture, I found it to be more generally applicable. Merely substitute your own spiritually appropriate buzzwords for the Christian stuff.
http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2012/03/29/how-to-move-from-forgiveness-to-reconciliation/
Read, think, do as the spirit moves you.
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